I think it’s so sad that I have to watch your downfall.

مآ أجمّل أنْ تصمتْ
فيْ ؤجهْ منْ ينتظرْ منِك الخِصَام 

وما أجمل أنْ تضحك
فيْ وجهْ منْ يُنتظرْ منك البكـاءْ

How beautiful is it to stay silent
When someone expects you to be enraged from them.
And how beautiful it is to laugh
When someone thinks you are going to shed tears.

It’s sad to slowly watch as the life drains from your eyes. Those beautiful ponds of crystal blue that were the windows to your soul, slowly swirling with the gray that clouds the thoughts I used to read so easily.

It’s hard to watch the smile that could make the earth shudder fade to a forced, frigid monstrosity. That’s not the smile I used see, the smile I used to be the reason behind. Your laughter, which I could distinguish from all others, has become monotonous. A drone, with no life or happiness for even a slight raise in pitch to show you’re still there. Show the person I loved for years is still somewhere in the cavity you call a body.

I miss who used to make me live.

As I lay tossing and turning and unable to find a comfortable position to sleep, I remembered one that I knew would be perfect: laying flat on my back. The funny thing? Just a year ago, I couldn’t. I stopped being able to sleep on my back because I suffocated with being very pregnant. Now, I don’t sleep on my back unless I have Ameri on my chest…which a 20lbs baby doesn’t make for easy breathing either. I still sleep with a pillow under my knees (you know, to keep the pressure off my tummy), and I dont sleep without “protecting” it somehow. I just wanted to share that, tonight, I was able to finally get into a position to sleep that I haven’t been able to in over a year, and it was comfortable, and I could breathe. It’s funny to me how long it’s taking me to stop “being pregnant” in my actions. I still stand like a pregnant woman too, or place my hand on an empty tummy, waiting for kicks. It’s awkward. Okay ranting done.